It Takes Love

I was out in the Metro yesterday, trying to make it as a Barista. The initial process went well but I'd have to go through two more interviews until I can finally say that I made it.

I was a bit late for that endeavor but I did make it. And it finished quite early. My dad wanted us to have dinner and I had a lot, a whole lot of time to spare. So I texted friends to ask if they were available.

I was able to get a lunch appointment with one of my friends working in a Northern business district. At first, I thought there could be something in between us, but I'm still well aware of my incapability of course. I actually tried to make advances on being slightly physical but he rejected because his body was heavy due to lack of sleep. We had lunch and it became clearer that we're good friends. Our first encounter was a bit more than friendly but at least now I know that this is the limit. And I don't mind. This time it's clear that I won't be able to hurt him.

The afternoon became awkward, just a bit, when I met up with the guy that I suddenly became cold with. We both wanted to talk as I invited him and he went out of his way just to see me. We were civil at first but the tension was present. The both of us grabbed something to eat first and we walked around the mall, talking about random stuff, knowing that we'd have to get serious in a bit. And so we sat down in one of the benches and articulated what had to be discussed.

I've hurt him by growing cold and still he's there beside me. It was also clearer to the both of us that we can't be more than what we might expect. It was awkward, definitely. But some things need to be discussed for people to move on.

We didn't end anything and decided to keep the friendship that we already have. I know it took him love to do so in his raptured state.

It ended was as he was even able to joke that maybe we're not meant for anything more in this lifetime.

Shut

One of my guy friends asked me if I was being distant with him, he finally saw that I was.

This one was the guy that liked me and at that time when I was seeing it, I became distant again.

I'm not really sure why but he wanted to know, of course. And he was a bit dramatic through text about it. Inside of me, I shut out a bit because I knew he was getting more affectionate, and so was I. I didn't want for him to fall for me again.

But I don't want to lose him as a friend. We've been through a bit already and to restart things I need to speak to him words that I haven't thought of yet at the moment. Maybe I'll just say that it's better for us to be affectionate because I don't want to hurt him in the future. I don't really now.

It's a hard situation but I'll have to face it head on.

Relief

Finally was able to talk to the guy from the other post and it turns out that he was drunk that night. As I write this, he's on the phone, fixing his accounts and email. I'm just listening to him as he asks for help from his housemate, sounding a bit effeminate which isn't exactly my type. But that doesn't deter me from still liking him, no romantically as I'm incapable of it. He hung up the phone now but he'll call again.

I did mean what I said even if he was drunk. I love him but not as a lover as what the world would normally think of what a lover is. Not even like being in that shady mutual understanding phase. It's another thing that I go through. It's like being in between a lover and a friend. It's like being a special friend. I don't really know. It's hard to speak about it at this point as some emotions still course through my veins.

Trouble

OK, so the day I decide to turn straight is the day I say "I love you" to another guy.

It was right after I indulged in a Spanish chocolate drink with some pistachio syrup. This guy I like called and was, in my opinion, in need of some sweet talk. Kailangan ng may nanlalambing. I was there, enjoying the talk when it came to a point that he wanted me to reciprocate his words. And so I did and he wanted a bit more.

It's not that I didn't mean saying that I love him. I do. But the thing is, I say it even to my close friends. And because of honesty, I think he's expecting much from me. I don't want to hurt him. But I also don't want to hurt him. I'd like to be friends with him, maybe with a bit of benefits. And he does need to know that I can't commit to him.

The time's too awkward to remind him of this. The first time I told him, he just said that he didn't care about it and just wanted to see where things will take us. And things have come to this. It's a big chance that we're looking at the same thing too differently. And there's a big chance that one of us would get hurt.

Sometimes I wish I was bi. But then again, I don't wish for other things. Wishing is too easy and I'd rather confront what I have in front of me.

Maybe

I've been out a few days because I took a quick vacation somewhere elevated.

Before that, I've been talking to a few of my close friends about this sexuality that I have. Although he was open to the idea that there could actually be some bi-straight guy, he told me that I was acting like I was just confused with everything. I respect him and it gave me some thought. I guess it started when I told him that I had a crush on him. We were close enough for me to be sure that he wouldn't take it wrongly. It was just my way of saying that I admire him. He's just so talented and so interesting as a person. I guess I was a bit carried away in my expression but it wasn't much of a deal. The guy wasn't at all affected negatively with it and I thank him for that.

so it gave me some thought. Maybe the only way to resolve things completely with the things around me is to act fully straight. Maybe the time hasn't still accepted the possibility of having a bi-straight person. With the way I'm going now, I'll probably continue to just confuse a lot more people and maybe even hurt some more in the process.

I know finding comfort, expressing love, being loved, those are all human. They're legal needs for everyone. I guess I should just stop looking for it from another guy in the way I need it. Or maybe only another bi-straight could fulfill that.

Maybe I would find another bi-straight "special" friend that I could hang out with, be intimate with and then after a time we'd get back to our girls.

Second

Went out yesterday with one of my friends that I met through chat. Initially, we did get attracted to each other. We started as friends, and then I had to talk about my complication with him.

We've had our moments of blur. Where I wouldn't know where we stand with each other. Maybe I've given him too much attention to make him think that there's some remote chance of being us. But all I know is that what I give him is what I feel.

Should I just forget all about him?

We've reconnected and things are going great for the both of us but then the line's starting to get blurry again. Although we don't talk about it. But I think we should talk soon. It's just awkward if I would say it now.

Better View

I understand it better now. I put myself in unwanted situations all the time. I give too much attention in hopes of building something but usually it just ends up nowhere. There’d be times that the other side would be genuine but everything just fades.

But still, there are some that would stick and be just friends.