Surreal

I grew up as a typical middle child. I may have been the most intelligent in the brood but I wasn’t much in anything else. Even now, I screw up in the simplest things at home. I do try but I always overlook something that was instructed to me. It’s either I screw up or I’m part of why others do around me. And for some reason it happens almost only at home. Another thing, I’m not close with any member of my immediate family.

That’s my background and maybe that’s the reason why I’m entranced with the times other compliment me in chat, on the phone, through text. I simply hunger for intimacy and appreciation as a person. And it’s so easy to give and receive that in a virtual environment.

Not much have changed since my first experience of exchanging compliments that lead to being close with the other. It’s mysterious how someone I haven’t seen could give me much happiness. Maybe it’s a false feeling of worth, maybe not. Flirting allows you to be real and surreal at the same time.

Crushed

When I started writing this blog, a multi-talented friend of mine suggested that I write about this thing called “man crushes.”

In our society, it seems that it’s totally normal for a straight girl to have a crush or some sort of admiration towards another girl. Usually the crush exudes a high sense of femininity. She may have defined curves, or long and straight strands of hair, or the sweetest or strongest personality, whatever makes a straight girl admire another female. But then, it just doesn’t seem that men can admire another guy. Or maybe we can.

In an interview I’ve read online, Shia LeBouf, which I’m sure that you know by now, expressed that he had a man crush on Justin Timberlake. I can’t remember exactly but I think he might have mentioned that Justin Timberlake was sexy and he admired the guy in a non-gay kind of way. Or maybe I’m mistaken. Whatever the case, maybe the world is starting to become ready for guys having crushes on another guy without suspecting curves in their sexuality; not that curving should be discriminated against. I, myself, have established my own curve on the issue.

I’m not going to explain the phenomenon but I’d rather just share how I could relate on the matter.

Yes, my eye could wander and admire men that are physically beautiful. I may get off on some of them but then it’s not just the outside that has given me the attraction. Those that I have been involved with, one way or another, weren’t the best but I did admire some aspect of their being. Such is the case of my latest admiration, a basketball player.

I was watching a semi-crucial game that could spark a loss of confidence in the crowd and the team or it could bring home the crown to where it has been for most of the decade. The latter happened of course, and one player stood out for me. He wasn’t exactly good looking although he can be attractive. He didn’t have much thickness in his body but I could imagine him to be really sexy lean. My friend told me that he can’t speak English well, but all his flaws did not matter.

The attraction was because of his talent in the game. He improved well since I last watched him, especially during charities. He was sinking consecutives when I told my friend that if he could do his sixth, I would have a crush on him. He shot, but missed. But nevertheless, I still admired him.

I am a sucker for talent. And mostly they would stay as crushes, man crushes or otherwise. Because that’s just that, eventually it fades.

Questions Needing Answers

Would you love someone that would still be on the lookout for his future wife? Would you love him if he’d be willing to love you but not give everything physically? Would you live him and still be intimate with him even if after his marriage?

Bust

I got busted indirectly today.

Just got hired today from a job that's usually thought of as a filler job, just until a better job comes along. It's a really interesting and potentially enjoyable job but it compensates minimally. At least until you get promoted.

So I texted a friend of my, whom I have a crush on sort of big time, and asked her hypothetically if she would marry someone with my job. She replied bluntly that the meager salary would not meet even just the grocery and some other bill that I forgot.

She wants to be married in 8-10 years. I should already be promoted several times by then.

It Takes Love

I was out in the Metro yesterday, trying to make it as a Barista. The initial process went well but I'd have to go through two more interviews until I can finally say that I made it.

I was a bit late for that endeavor but I did make it. And it finished quite early. My dad wanted us to have dinner and I had a lot, a whole lot of time to spare. So I texted friends to ask if they were available.

I was able to get a lunch appointment with one of my friends working in a Northern business district. At first, I thought there could be something in between us, but I'm still well aware of my incapability of course. I actually tried to make advances on being slightly physical but he rejected because his body was heavy due to lack of sleep. We had lunch and it became clearer that we're good friends. Our first encounter was a bit more than friendly but at least now I know that this is the limit. And I don't mind. This time it's clear that I won't be able to hurt him.

The afternoon became awkward, just a bit, when I met up with the guy that I suddenly became cold with. We both wanted to talk as I invited him and he went out of his way just to see me. We were civil at first but the tension was present. The both of us grabbed something to eat first and we walked around the mall, talking about random stuff, knowing that we'd have to get serious in a bit. And so we sat down in one of the benches and articulated what had to be discussed.

I've hurt him by growing cold and still he's there beside me. It was also clearer to the both of us that we can't be more than what we might expect. It was awkward, definitely. But some things need to be discussed for people to move on.

We didn't end anything and decided to keep the friendship that we already have. I know it took him love to do so in his raptured state.

It ended was as he was even able to joke that maybe we're not meant for anything more in this lifetime.