Sometimes in taking another chance, the people that were involved the first time would get crushed. Chances of being happier would be slim as we are all a bit resistant to change.

What is this thing called dating?

I've never dated before but now I'm stepping into this zone and I'm exclusively seeing someone.

We first met in my place of work. He was a customer that was with his best friend and I was at the counter taking his order. He said his name and gave an auspicious smile. Days later we were hanging out in Makati, throwing semi-random questions to fill in the dead air moments that are sufficient in first dates.

We are kindred and we both like the arts. In different ways but unclashingly. He's like someone I could be but the road I'm on left me someplace else, and that's a good thing.

Where we are right now is really comfortable. We're not rushing anything, not rushing to get someplace. We're laying lines, discussing them, finding them.

Surreal

I grew up as a typical middle child. I may have been the most intelligent in the brood but I wasn’t much in anything else. Even now, I screw up in the simplest things at home. I do try but I always overlook something that was instructed to me. It’s either I screw up or I’m part of why others do around me. And for some reason it happens almost only at home. Another thing, I’m not close with any member of my immediate family.

That’s my background and maybe that’s the reason why I’m entranced with the times other compliment me in chat, on the phone, through text. I simply hunger for intimacy and appreciation as a person. And it’s so easy to give and receive that in a virtual environment.

Not much have changed since my first experience of exchanging compliments that lead to being close with the other. It’s mysterious how someone I haven’t seen could give me much happiness. Maybe it’s a false feeling of worth, maybe not. Flirting allows you to be real and surreal at the same time.

Crushed

When I started writing this blog, a multi-talented friend of mine suggested that I write about this thing called “man crushes.”

In our society, it seems that it’s totally normal for a straight girl to have a crush or some sort of admiration towards another girl. Usually the crush exudes a high sense of femininity. She may have defined curves, or long and straight strands of hair, or the sweetest or strongest personality, whatever makes a straight girl admire another female. But then, it just doesn’t seem that men can admire another guy. Or maybe we can.

In an interview I’ve read online, Shia LeBouf, which I’m sure that you know by now, expressed that he had a man crush on Justin Timberlake. I can’t remember exactly but I think he might have mentioned that Justin Timberlake was sexy and he admired the guy in a non-gay kind of way. Or maybe I’m mistaken. Whatever the case, maybe the world is starting to become ready for guys having crushes on another guy without suspecting curves in their sexuality; not that curving should be discriminated against. I, myself, have established my own curve on the issue.

I’m not going to explain the phenomenon but I’d rather just share how I could relate on the matter.

Yes, my eye could wander and admire men that are physically beautiful. I may get off on some of them but then it’s not just the outside that has given me the attraction. Those that I have been involved with, one way or another, weren’t the best but I did admire some aspect of their being. Such is the case of my latest admiration, a basketball player.

I was watching a semi-crucial game that could spark a loss of confidence in the crowd and the team or it could bring home the crown to where it has been for most of the decade. The latter happened of course, and one player stood out for me. He wasn’t exactly good looking although he can be attractive. He didn’t have much thickness in his body but I could imagine him to be really sexy lean. My friend told me that he can’t speak English well, but all his flaws did not matter.

The attraction was because of his talent in the game. He improved well since I last watched him, especially during charities. He was sinking consecutives when I told my friend that if he could do his sixth, I would have a crush on him. He shot, but missed. But nevertheless, I still admired him.

I am a sucker for talent. And mostly they would stay as crushes, man crushes or otherwise. Because that’s just that, eventually it fades.

Questions Needing Answers

Would you love someone that would still be on the lookout for his future wife? Would you love him if he’d be willing to love you but not give everything physically? Would you live him and still be intimate with him even if after his marriage?

Bust

I got busted indirectly today.

Just got hired today from a job that's usually thought of as a filler job, just until a better job comes along. It's a really interesting and potentially enjoyable job but it compensates minimally. At least until you get promoted.

So I texted a friend of my, whom I have a crush on sort of big time, and asked her hypothetically if she would marry someone with my job. She replied bluntly that the meager salary would not meet even just the grocery and some other bill that I forgot.

She wants to be married in 8-10 years. I should already be promoted several times by then.

It Takes Love

I was out in the Metro yesterday, trying to make it as a Barista. The initial process went well but I'd have to go through two more interviews until I can finally say that I made it.

I was a bit late for that endeavor but I did make it. And it finished quite early. My dad wanted us to have dinner and I had a lot, a whole lot of time to spare. So I texted friends to ask if they were available.

I was able to get a lunch appointment with one of my friends working in a Northern business district. At first, I thought there could be something in between us, but I'm still well aware of my incapability of course. I actually tried to make advances on being slightly physical but he rejected because his body was heavy due to lack of sleep. We had lunch and it became clearer that we're good friends. Our first encounter was a bit more than friendly but at least now I know that this is the limit. And I don't mind. This time it's clear that I won't be able to hurt him.

The afternoon became awkward, just a bit, when I met up with the guy that I suddenly became cold with. We both wanted to talk as I invited him and he went out of his way just to see me. We were civil at first but the tension was present. The both of us grabbed something to eat first and we walked around the mall, talking about random stuff, knowing that we'd have to get serious in a bit. And so we sat down in one of the benches and articulated what had to be discussed.

I've hurt him by growing cold and still he's there beside me. It was also clearer to the both of us that we can't be more than what we might expect. It was awkward, definitely. But some things need to be discussed for people to move on.

We didn't end anything and decided to keep the friendship that we already have. I know it took him love to do so in his raptured state.

It ended was as he was even able to joke that maybe we're not meant for anything more in this lifetime.

Shut

One of my guy friends asked me if I was being distant with him, he finally saw that I was.

This one was the guy that liked me and at that time when I was seeing it, I became distant again.

I'm not really sure why but he wanted to know, of course. And he was a bit dramatic through text about it. Inside of me, I shut out a bit because I knew he was getting more affectionate, and so was I. I didn't want for him to fall for me again.

But I don't want to lose him as a friend. We've been through a bit already and to restart things I need to speak to him words that I haven't thought of yet at the moment. Maybe I'll just say that it's better for us to be affectionate because I don't want to hurt him in the future. I don't really now.

It's a hard situation but I'll have to face it head on.

Relief

Finally was able to talk to the guy from the other post and it turns out that he was drunk that night. As I write this, he's on the phone, fixing his accounts and email. I'm just listening to him as he asks for help from his housemate, sounding a bit effeminate which isn't exactly my type. But that doesn't deter me from still liking him, no romantically as I'm incapable of it. He hung up the phone now but he'll call again.

I did mean what I said even if he was drunk. I love him but not as a lover as what the world would normally think of what a lover is. Not even like being in that shady mutual understanding phase. It's another thing that I go through. It's like being in between a lover and a friend. It's like being a special friend. I don't really know. It's hard to speak about it at this point as some emotions still course through my veins.

Trouble

OK, so the day I decide to turn straight is the day I say "I love you" to another guy.

It was right after I indulged in a Spanish chocolate drink with some pistachio syrup. This guy I like called and was, in my opinion, in need of some sweet talk. Kailangan ng may nanlalambing. I was there, enjoying the talk when it came to a point that he wanted me to reciprocate his words. And so I did and he wanted a bit more.

It's not that I didn't mean saying that I love him. I do. But the thing is, I say it even to my close friends. And because of honesty, I think he's expecting much from me. I don't want to hurt him. But I also don't want to hurt him. I'd like to be friends with him, maybe with a bit of benefits. And he does need to know that I can't commit to him.

The time's too awkward to remind him of this. The first time I told him, he just said that he didn't care about it and just wanted to see where things will take us. And things have come to this. It's a big chance that we're looking at the same thing too differently. And there's a big chance that one of us would get hurt.

Sometimes I wish I was bi. But then again, I don't wish for other things. Wishing is too easy and I'd rather confront what I have in front of me.

Maybe

I've been out a few days because I took a quick vacation somewhere elevated.

Before that, I've been talking to a few of my close friends about this sexuality that I have. Although he was open to the idea that there could actually be some bi-straight guy, he told me that I was acting like I was just confused with everything. I respect him and it gave me some thought. I guess it started when I told him that I had a crush on him. We were close enough for me to be sure that he wouldn't take it wrongly. It was just my way of saying that I admire him. He's just so talented and so interesting as a person. I guess I was a bit carried away in my expression but it wasn't much of a deal. The guy wasn't at all affected negatively with it and I thank him for that.

so it gave me some thought. Maybe the only way to resolve things completely with the things around me is to act fully straight. Maybe the time hasn't still accepted the possibility of having a bi-straight person. With the way I'm going now, I'll probably continue to just confuse a lot more people and maybe even hurt some more in the process.

I know finding comfort, expressing love, being loved, those are all human. They're legal needs for everyone. I guess I should just stop looking for it from another guy in the way I need it. Or maybe only another bi-straight could fulfill that.

Maybe I would find another bi-straight "special" friend that I could hang out with, be intimate with and then after a time we'd get back to our girls.

Second

Went out yesterday with one of my friends that I met through chat. Initially, we did get attracted to each other. We started as friends, and then I had to talk about my complication with him.

We've had our moments of blur. Where I wouldn't know where we stand with each other. Maybe I've given him too much attention to make him think that there's some remote chance of being us. But all I know is that what I give him is what I feel.

Should I just forget all about him?

We've reconnected and things are going great for the both of us but then the line's starting to get blurry again. Although we don't talk about it. But I think we should talk soon. It's just awkward if I would say it now.

Better View

I understand it better now. I put myself in unwanted situations all the time. I give too much attention in hopes of building something but usually it just ends up nowhere. There’d be times that the other side would be genuine but everything just fades.

But still, there are some that would stick and be just friends.

Missing 1 Ingredient

I confess that I am attracted to another guy’s body. I even have an abdominal fetish. It doesn’t have to be ripped, although I’m more into those kinds of stomach areas. The biceps, the chest, the Apollo’s belt, they all contribute to my fixation but only up to muscle worship.

I can be horny and I haven’t had any actual experiences but I’ve had some virtual incidents for the past two nights. Yes, I did stand up but it didn’t feel right. I just wasn’t attracted to the other guy’s, err…manhood.

That’s the thing with these kinds of experiences – you can fully fake it. Although they say you can still do it in the physical, maybe I’ll never know with another guy. I felt like I cheated myself, more really of cheating the other guy. And the guy I’m attracted to.

This has got me thinking more. I’ve never really been attracted to sex with the same but I do get off. But it’s more of because of some emotional connection that I imagine. So, if I can’t fully have a physical connection in having sexual encounters, should I just drop everything? Should I just drop all this wanting to be intimate with another guy?

Maybe I will, but the attraction and longing would still be there.

Maybe

So I went out with this girl today who calls me her best friend. I don't mind but she's not my closest friend. Maybe the person I'm closest to in my block but there are a lot of people know more about me than she does.

She's one of the people that's in the previous entry. Yes, I liked her. Maybe I still do, but we're just not going to end up right.

If I wanted to, there's a big chance that we'd be together. But I decided not to pursue her. But I do still admire her.

She has a girlfriend now. But she complains about him about not being able to appreciate her for the things that she values. The guy does have redeeming values according to her but he's changed her not for the better and she notices it. She keeps on remarking that she simply loves the guy.

As a friend I did comfort her. She needs someone who appreciates and honors her for who she really is and I did.

A part of me wanted to snag her and talk my way into being together but I guess my brain was working well from protecting me into getting into a relationship that wouldn't go far. We could really be together but not for the long run. There are non-negotiables that she just didn't have. The greatest of which is having similar beliefs.

Another non-negotiable is that my significant other should be a guy. It's very likely that it's the logic in me that stops me from getting into a relationship with the same sex. I deeply want a family with wife and kids and another guy couldn't give me that. Call it selfish but probably the reason while I pursue intimacy because it is the calling of the present. But a family is ideally forever.

Dilemmic

There’s something that’s got me worried. Whose fault is it? Not that I’d want to point fingers, it’s just that I just would want to find the cause. Maybe.

I know I’ll eventually leave guys I’m close with in the almost-relationship kind of way for a girl. Maybe I’m anticipating a future guilt here, I’m not really sure. Whatever the case would be…would it be my fault that I’ll leave some scars?

In truth, I already had a preview of what it could be. There was this guy that I knew he was falling for me. We were both really affectionate with each other and wanted to be together. Except that even if I did try, the boundary of my emotions is right in front of me. I simply can’t fall for the guy. It’s not his fault, he’s cute, adorable, quite a catch, isn’t all about sex, pursuing tertiary education. If I had the capacity, I would have snagged him fully. Maybe even ran off to some country so we can get married. But I’m incapacitated.

The intimacy was satisfying for the both of us and I’ve already discussed with him this complication of mine. At first he said that it was fine and wanted to get the best of what we can have with the situation but he came to his better senses and told me that we’d better step back one step from each other. I understood completely.

We stayed friends, although the frequency of communication was lessened and the topics of conversations were less intimate. The transition phase was tough for the both of us. Even if it wasn’t a real relationship, I realized that the emotions I invested took deep root. And deep roots are hard to remove from the soil. I know I did cry a bit but everything’s okay now.

I guess my friend was wise to restrict things for the both of us, as he knew that we’d just hurt each other deeper.

But still, this experience hasn’t stopped me from pursuing intimacies with other guys. I’m expressing how I feel without any plasticities. People get what they see with me and those guys always know of my impediment early in the attraction. But we both choose to still get closer anyway usually. Should I be the one that restricts the relationship and restrict my expression?

Shaky Territory

What does it take to form a relationship?

This evening I went out with 3 of my blockmates, 2 girls and a guy. Both girls I liked one way or another during our early terms in college while the guy is a close friend. Actually, they're all close to me but none of them know of my sexuality. The topic just hasn't been brought up yet for us to discuss. I’m sure it doesn’t matter to them anyway. Let’s name them G1, G2, B1. So it’s like this, I had some past with both G1 and G2 plus G2 and B1 had some sort of something. Just some added knowledge to you guys because I won’t really discuss that complication.

Anyway, on our way home, one of my friends that I met through chat called me from someone's cell. I’ve been feeling some attraction with this guy for quite a bit now. (Now let’s call him B2.) We met recently and I he also had feelings for me as he allowed me to hold his hand and some other physical contacts. I won’t deny it; I liked the feeling of holding him. If it weren’t for the people in the mall, I would have hugged him so tight.

So B2 called while I was in a car with G2. Instantly, G2 was curious of who I was talking with and insisted to know after a few minutes. I gamely joked that he was my boyfriend and she didn’t accept it as truth. It was the reaction that I expected her to have, as I was deeply discreet of my being bi-straight. And it was true; G2 isn’t my boyfriend as I’m incapable of having one, remember? But there was a thing going on between us.

I’ve already discussed my complication with G2 but I continue to express how I feel about him. I care for him. I miss holding his hand. I’d like him to be happy. But maybe I’m giving him the wrong signals, as I know it couldn’t be us.

I haven’t been there but it made me think, are we already having a relationship? But then, we’ve never talked about it seriously. I haven’t been constantly reminding him of my bisexuality though. I remember that G2’s reaction to it was like it doesn’t matter and he continued to pursue me as a friend at least.

The attraction is there, the commitment is blurred and still my conviction about not having a relationship with another guy stands. And yes, it is being shaken. Shaken but still it stands.

Respect [Draft]

As days progress, I get to chat with more and more sensible people. It's a really rare treat because most of the ads on that IRC channel are made by people who are just looking for carnalities.

And so, I had this conversation with one that was throwing questions at me, trying to unravel me. It was good because I wanted to unravel me too. Each exchange tried and validated my being bi-straight, although I was open to the possibility that my preference could change to either becoming fully bi or fully straight. Or maybe there's some more complications deep inside of me.

There's something about the act of exchanging of ideas that stimulates. Usually one would want to be greater than the other but the best exchanges would be those that are bound by respect.

We didn't have the same convictions but we simply kept on talking. Maybe I influenced him by sharing my mind, maybe he influenced me by sharing his. But it doesn't matter, that wasn't the point of talking.

Simple respect is already rewarding.

The Chase

So by now, you probably have some sort of idea of my sexual preference. Sorry but I'm not capable as of the moment to fully explain it but I know you'll get it along the way...

A heartache is usually the fruit of a series of events that started from what we might call "the chase." If you're reading this, I know you, at the very least, have an idea of how this goes.

Being a discreet bi-straight (Discreet! Yes, that's another complication for me. Sort of.), I don't go out and look for other guys. Out of convenience and curiosity, most of my chases are done through a well-known channel. It usually starts with macking and asking the usual questions. Eventually we click. It's not about the picture for me, but I'd say that physical attraction, even just through pictures, do help. Some may see it as a cliche but it's really the chemistry that's important. Anyway, maybe we'll exchange numbers before disconnecting, maybe we'll exchange Yahoo! IDs. Maybe I've viewed the other guy on his cam. Of course the goal of everything is to get to know the other person, get to know the other guy personally. Not for sex. Companionship, maybe.

I've met some, I've arranged to meet some in the future. In the course of our conversation, we would have already talked about my being a discreet bi-straight guy. Some try to understand it, some encourages me to just go straight, and some try to pursue me.

I don't know if I have developed unconsciously an attractive persona online but it came to me as a pleasant surprise that some other guys would want to have me as theirs.

For some reason, most of them are lean guys. I'm also attracted to them but it's that almost all of the guys I've experienced the chase with are about, maybe 170cm, and really lean. I prefer a bit more muscular guys but I'm not really into sex. Most of them, though, develop into real good friends who understand, at least in part, this thing that I have.

Chasing is quite addicting, but maybe I should stop.

Avenue Q!

It's not really about being bi-straight but it promises to be one heck of a ride! Grab tickets if you can, bring me along if you want, hehe. Still got no cash to get there but tell me about the show after you watch it!

Got something to say?

Moments after "advertising" this blog, I've already had interesting conversations about it...

Here's a peek on a discussion I had on IRC, maybe this will explain me more...

bi-straight> read my blog if you want, i accept all comments, hehe
teased> yah, nkita ko n
teased> mn
bi-straight> kahit ako hindi ko magets nung una
bi-straight> pero ganito eh...ang labo, ang complikado
teased> i was likr dat before, i dnt wanna be classified as gay, bi, watever dats not straight ayoko i tag sakin
teased> ayoko dati same sex
bi-straight> i understand what you mean
teased> kc sabi ko itll be just for my wife
teased> like ung nsa blog mo
teased> so i ended up unclassified
teased> pero dat was bfre
bi-straight> kasi sobrang kapag sinabi ko naman bi ako, ang daming connotations
teased> exactly
bi-straight> kaya ata gusto kong may sariling classification, haha
teased> u dnt want lng cguro nung mga connotation, gnun ako e
teased> dati
bi-straight> hindi naman kasi sa nagtatago, kasi wala naman akong kailangang itago
bi-straight> okay lang sa akin malaman pero it's best na malaman galing sa akin kasi nga medyo komplikado yung sitwasyon
teased> but then sabi ko, im attracted sa same, so y not call my self bi
teased> u knw
teased> bi=2
teased> so ung bi-straight, =???? 2=1?
bi-straight> yeah, yun nga, ako i'm attracted to guys, walang denial, kaya nga bi yung first part
teased> mjo nguluhan lng
teased> but i hve nothing agnst u ha
bi-straight> haha, mathematically imposible pero nangyayari, hehehe
teased> yah
teased> neway
bi-straight> may attraction sa guys yes
bi-straight> pero attraction na umabot sa sex or relationship hindi
teased> ok,
bi-straight> waah, kahit ako hindi ko masyado maexplain sa iba
teased> well more like of a bi-curious
teased> bi-tripper
teased> ay ewan ko ba
bi-straight> but maybe through the blog or something, maayos din
bi-straight> bi-tripper kasi sex ang habol
teased> dami kinakabit sa bi!
bi-straight> bi-curious eh curious nga eh
bi-straight> ako eh...eto, bagong klasipikasyon sa makabagong henerasyon, haha
teased> bi din nmn sa huli
teased> hehe
bi-straight> siguro baliktad dapat sa akin, straight-bi? haha
teased> ok
teased> ngi
bi-straight> pero medyo gets mo naman yung akin...ata
teased> yah
teased> sabi ko nmn sau
teased> i was ike dat
teased> identity crisis maybe
bi-straight> i wouldn't call it an identity crisis
teased> ok ok
bi-straight> yun akala ko nung una, nung supressed
teased> jx call it bi-straight
bi-straight> pero yun nga, i have already "explored" and even had a gender studies class
bi-straight> and i've gotten to know myself more
teased> ok
bi-straight> na yun, with this, yung mga ineexplain ko, walang denial of the self or anything of the sort, so walang crisis
bi-straight> maybe it really is a new classfication, hehe
teased> ok po
bi-straight> pero thanks sa insights ah, hindi naman ako sa pinipilit ko na ganito na rin tingin ng lahat ng tao
bi-straight> i'm just voicing out how i feel
teased> ok, mkkhnp k din ng iba png gnyan
bi-straight> or who i am
teased> i know sme, haha
teased> yah ok
teased> i understand po!
bi-straight> ayun naman pala, hehe, baka marami-rami kami
bi-straight> maybe it's a new phenomenon, hehe
teased> may sasabihin ako, dnt take ds negatively ha, i see my past sa classification n yan, maybe coz ur stil 21.... hehe
teased> o!
teased> nsahre ko lang!
bi-straight> it's okay, hehe, walang problema
bi-straight> open minded naman ako, hehe

Come and let's have a conversation.

What is Bi-Straight?

This is my introductory confession...

It was about the last year of grade school when I realized that I had some attraction to guys. I just brushed it off until the first explosion happened...I think that's how it went. Anyway, I denied it a bit with myself but I just had to accept it. Not that I was denying it, it was just weird at first.

I've got more freedom now and so I was able to do more exploring. I even had a genders study class. Got to meet guys of different preferences and some girls too. With the experience I've had, and still having, I know I'm sure.

I acknowledge that I am attracted to guys but I am not capable to enter into a relationship. I can't pinpoint it exactly but I just can't. If I wanted to, I could have already entered into more than a dozen but it's just not natural for me. And this is how I feel, really. No denying anything deep inside, this is just simply how I feel.

One thing though, I'd still want to be intimate with another guy. That doesn't come always though but it does. A hug is good but no sex for me.

The actual sex and my lip kiss, that's reserved for my future wife. Yes, I'd like to eventually settle down, have a family, have kids, maybe live in a condo. But my wife should be able to accept me for who I am. I'd never leave her for another guy but I may have an eye for someone. I don't know, I can't promise anything now.

I'm a guy who has an eye for other guys, someone who'd only enter into a relationship with a girl. Someone whose lips and virginity is only for my wife. Yes I'm complicated, maybe unclassified in formal studies. Maybe I'm in a league of my own. I am Bi-Straight.

Feel free to comment, feel free to ask anything.